the reason why going to class is valuable...

why is it that every time we get up from a fall, we fall down again? seriously. why is that? just when you think things are getting better, and that the sunshine is coming back into your life...it disappears so much more quickly than it came into your life.  maybe im just paranoid. maybe im just neurotic. maybe i have issues. but how do i deal with them? as of late, i have seriously been considering seeing a "shrink." from listening to my psy412A prof, im becoming more and more convinced that it might be something that could help me with all of my problems.  after having a conversation with my friend the other night (can you imagine that? i still have friends! altho they are very few and far in between) i realized that some of the issues im dealing with are largely a product of my extremely low self esteem.  how do i combat this though? any suggestions? i seriously think that if i saw a shrink i would be able to work thru some of these ever present issues. or maybe if i just learned to not dwell on things, maybe some of my issues could be easily resolved. i dunno what to do anymore.

something that i have realize tho, is that going to class is a valuable thing.  im especially realizing that after starting at cal state la this quarter. gosh i hate this school. as much as i swore that i would be freaking glad to leave ucsd, im kicking myself in the butt for ever wanting to leave so soon. =(  it's not just the people i miss, incredibly...i actually miss the campus.  i guess in my 3 yr+ career at sd, i took for granted the landscape and everything which the campus had to offer.  cal state la is the freaking pits compared to ucsd. there's nothing to do in between class during my freaking long ass breaks.  yeah i could go home since it's so close, but that's a freaking waste of gas (freaking $2.53 a freaking gallon for the cheap shit)! *sigh* i suppose i could try to make friends and actually talk to ppl, but i know and you know that that would be a fruitless effort.  i seriously am just not a people person.  i seriously think im going to end up a freaking old bag...a lonely...fat...ugly old bag...all sad and alone. tragic yes, but that's the way life goes.  ironic when you consider the fact that i used to dream all day about the perfect life, with the perfect husband and the perfect kids. so much of my life up to this point has taught me that one should get one's head out of the clouds and get in touch with reality.

which brings me to my next point i suppose...one of the reasons why i've started thinking about all this shit again is because of the points that profs have brought up in my classes. seriously, it's pretty ironic how what they've brought up in class so closely parallels what i've experienced in my own life. yes, life is crappy. life is a bitch. maybe im just a closet manic depressive. well, i suppose more on that topic later. i will continue this entry at another point in time when the mood strikes me.

 countdown...exactly one week til the move out. sad? of course. this year has been full of a lot of great memories. unfortunately since may, things have started (and still continue) to go downhill. but hey, that's life right?  i dunno...right now i just feel so isolated from everything and everyone. like im just floating around...not really existing. i feel so disconnected from friends...it just seems like i don't have any anymore. and most of all, from my baby. i know that we're not really together anymore and that just kills me.  i know we agreed to take it slow, and to try to slowly work things out, but i can't help it, it just hurts so much.  i am just so scared that we won't be able to work things out, and he won't rediscover that bond that we once shared.   i could really imagine spending the rest of my life with him. i don't just say that because we've been together for a long time or because i still love him, but because i really do believe that he's the one that could make me happy for the rest of my life.  and i know if he gave me the chance, i would be the most loving, thoughtful, devoted and caring wife/partner that anyone could ever have.  i know we're not perfect, but what couple is?  i know that he's scared of hurting me, but at the same time, if you're not willing to take some risks and open your heart, then you shouldn't be in a relationship in the first place.  for now, i'll just continue to be patient and hope for the possibility that we'll be able to make things work again.  and now to return to that ugly task which they call studying for finals  

Currently Playing Full Circle By Boyz II Men see related

to the one that holds my heart

out of all the things in the world....if i didn't have you, nothing would mean a thing.  i could have all the coach purses, white gold rings and silver & gold bracelets from tiffany's...but without you, i have nothing.  i dunno if you know how much you mean to me babe.  it's not like i need, or am dependent on you, but you just make my life so much better.  and im really scared that this is the end.  tomorrow will be the 18th...2 years and 8 months...will we make to 2 years and 9 months?  it makes me so sad to have this feeling, that it's the beginning of the end, and that the end is fast approaching.  the important thing in life is not having a bf, but having YOU as my love.  there's just something about you, you know what it is...it's you babe. and i don't know how to be nemore coherent right now w/o being repetitive.  but just talking to you today...to hear your voice w/those tones...it would be a great miracle if it was really because you're just tired because of work and school.  sweetie it's frustrating when ur not willing to talk to me about our problems...but i guess u can only try to fix something that's broken a couple of times before it's not worth fixing anymore right? sometimes i wish we had met at a later point in life. at time when things were more stable, when our careers and futures were more set. maybe we'd be more different...more compatible perhaps.  but i know that all the hoping and wishing and praying won't do any good if your truly unhappy.  maybe you'd rather be w/someone else, maybe u feel like you've been tied down too long, or maybe u just don't love me anymore.  as hard as it is for me to say this, im just going to have to accept it one way or another.  for now, i will continue to be, for as long as you want me to...your ever loving and devoted gf. you mean the world to me sweetie and i love you more than anything.  today i was looking back on our old pictures, you looked so happy back then, i would give anything to see you that happy again.  some people call me an overreactive pessimist, this is one time i hope they're right...

Currently Playing Lonely By Akon lonely see related

Xanga

this is my first ever xanga post. maybe venting my thoughts here will help me become more balanced...so here goes....

 ever have one of those days when u feel like nothing is going right for you? really and truly i feel like shit. i mean i know life always has its ups and downs...but it seems like lately i've had so many more downs than ups. yeah i kno that that's what life is basically about, going thru all those hills and valleys...going thru them is what helps you mature...but it really seems like i've been going thru a deep deep valley. maybe im too picky, maybe im to hard to satisfy, i dunno...but i know that im just not happy, and i haven't been truly happy in a long long time.  maybe it's because i realize how close things are coming to the end...how much time i don't have left before im supposed to become a responsible member of society and take my place in the working world. everything is just full of so much uncertainty right now...i just can't deal with it.